(In)trepidation

Trepidation means timorous uncertain agitation or apprehension. Yeah, I looked it up on Merriam-Webster. I knew what it meant but I didn't know how to put it into words. But that is how I felt when I drove my Dodge Intrepid yesterday. Serious apprehension.... uncertain agitation... let's just add some major anxiety as well. It wasn't because of the car or it's performance. You see yesterday was the first time I have driven my car since I have gotten it back. After it was stolen by Moonpie.

I was very apprehensive about driving it again... because I knew the feelings were going to flood me again. The last time I was in this car I was happy. I had my Moonpie. Things were good. And now... now things are different.

I sat down in the car and tried not to think of the day that the sun was shining & Moonpie was driving and we had the windows down. The smile on our faces as we were singing and enjoying being together. Just me and him...no kids... that was very rare and precious. The passionate kisses... the holding of hands... the laughter. I tried not to think of looking at his profile and thinking of how lucky I was to have him in my life. I tried not to remember that but I failed...

I was suprised at myself though. Instead of tears this time, the anger came. I was angry that he took so much from me. I was angry that he stole my heart and broke it into the million pieces that I can't seem to recover. I was so damn angry that he hurt my girls and made them feel vunerable. I was angry for all the words that were said by him... I remember one of the very last sentences said to me..."You know I love you, right?"

With the anger arriving... the trepidation left... There was no uncertain agitation... I knew where my agitation was focused... there was no apprehension... The anger had finally arrived and I was welcoming it! And with that I knew... I'm going to be alright... I'm finding the pieces to my broken heart... it looks like a couple were found in my Intrepid.