Unwell...

Just how unwell can you get?

Stomach virus… need I say more… I had it yesterday. It has gone through my office infecting every coworker at varying degrees. I have to say I had it to the less degree than most of my coworkers. I was lucky… but still it wears you down… makes my defenses weak. Not just physically but emotionally.

I have been feeling the emotional weakness begin to creep in this week. I’ve been blue. Depressed… just crummy feeling. I have begun to miss Moonpie. This was not good… not good at all.

I’m not sure what triggered it. It could have been Louise & Lightning Bug’s marriage. They were friends of ours. Now since Moonpie left they are only my friends. Hey, that is what happens when you abandon people… even friends.

Anyway, Louise & LB have had their ups & downs. LB stepped up his game though and proved how much he loved Louise. I am very happy that they are married. I want both of them to be so happy. But… it made me wish Moonpie could have done that for me…not necessarily the marriage thing… just proving how much he loved me…

I haven’t heard from Moonpie since his last short email about a month or so ago. I have sent him some forward emails and even the “I hate you” email with no response. So why did I have to send him an email about Louise & LB’s marriage? I guess I wanted him to see there are happy endings in life even if they are not mine. Moonpie responded. He said lots of things that are a stark contrast of his actions. He loves me still (yet he left me)… that kind of thing.

Since reading his email, the emotions have been whirling around in this thick head and soft heart of mine. The heart has been singing… “He loves me, he loves me…” My head has been screaming… “Get real idiot… look what he did to you!” Then throw in my stomach turmoil with it own mantra…”I’m gonna vomit…” You see what I mean by unwell… I am so very unwell… not ill… (okay, maybe a little with the stomach)… but unwell… unhealthy… maybe a little mad (in the mental reference)

On the way home yesterday, while trying not to spew… and keeping the sphincter clinched… I lost the emotions… You know there is only so much you can hold in. I was tired and felt bad… something had to give… (Thank God, it wasn’t the sphincter control)… On the radio, that new song by Lesley Roy came on… it is called “Unbeautiful”… I lost the control of my emotions. I sobbed & screamed & cursed & prayed… I ran the gambit of every emotion I had in me… It was a 45 minute drive home so I had plenty of time to expend it all. By the time I got home I had some “swole” up eyes (In the south it is swole… not swelled) & I was exhausted.

I went to bed and pretty much slept pitifully with everything playing in my head and in my heart with a few stomach stabbings thrown in for good measure. I woke up at midnight drenched in sweat. My tummy felt better and my thick head had won out over my soft heart. I know there is no way he could have loved me and did the things he did… It doesn’t make it any easier knowing that. I’m probably still a little unwell in this department. What did make me feel better is: I was over the virus for the most part…and I did not blow chunks not one time… and the fact that I have excellent sphincter control…

(In)trepidation

Trepidation means timorous uncertain agitation or apprehension. Yeah, I looked it up on Merriam-Webster. I knew what it meant but I didn't know how to put it into words. But that is how I felt when I drove my Dodge Intrepid yesterday. Serious apprehension.... uncertain agitation... let's just add some major anxiety as well. It wasn't because of the car or it's performance. You see yesterday was the first time I have driven my car since I have gotten it back. After it was stolen by Moonpie.

I was very apprehensive about driving it again... because I knew the feelings were going to flood me again. The last time I was in this car I was happy. I had my Moonpie. Things were good. And now... now things are different.

I sat down in the car and tried not to think of the day that the sun was shining & Moonpie was driving and we had the windows down. The smile on our faces as we were singing and enjoying being together. Just me and him...no kids... that was very rare and precious. The passionate kisses... the holding of hands... the laughter. I tried not to think of looking at his profile and thinking of how lucky I was to have him in my life. I tried not to remember that but I failed...

I was suprised at myself though. Instead of tears this time, the anger came. I was angry that he took so much from me. I was angry that he stole my heart and broke it into the million pieces that I can't seem to recover. I was so damn angry that he hurt my girls and made them feel vunerable. I was angry for all the words that were said by him... I remember one of the very last sentences said to me..."You know I love you, right?"

With the anger arriving... the trepidation left... There was no uncertain agitation... I knew where my agitation was focused... there was no apprehension... The anger had finally arrived and I was welcoming it! And with that I knew... I'm going to be alright... I'm finding the pieces to my broken heart... it looks like a couple were found in my Intrepid.

The Adventures of Sunshine & Moonpie

I loved him. I loved him before I met him. I fell in love with his mind, his voice, his sense of humor and I thought his character.

I was absolutely crazy stupid over him. Even when I found out about some flaws that would normally be deal breakers for me... They didn't matter it was physical... He was a good person and he loved me... or so I thought...

Friends and family tried to hint and warn me. I think God tried to even warn me.. But I had become blind. The old saying proved true... LOVE IS BLIND.




Even after we were together the red flags appeared waving frantically in my face. All that I could see was how pretty they were and push them out of my way... so I could see him. He had me mesmerized. Even when more flaws presented themselves... they mattered very little... it was just a part of him. It wasn't going to affect how I felt. I could love him and any flaw... I believed in him... He was my beloved and I was his... right?

Even with the added stress of trying to financially keep it all together... even the added pressures he put on me... people saw how insanely happy I was. My friends and family wondered why he always seemed to have the worst luck... It didn't clue me to question why he was what he called himself, a "Schleprock"... He was my Schleprock and I would take care of him... As I always told him it is just another "Adventure of Sunshine and Moonpie". I thought we could make it through anything. We would last FOREVER...

Somehow... at sometime... forever became a very short moment in time.... He left to go on a short trip to take care of business... We made plans for Sunshine and Moonpie to have more adventures upon his return... But the return never happened.. Where is my Moonpie?
The red flags appeared again- more urgently than before... along with alarms from every direction. It became clear..... He was gone. And I was left to pay the price ALONE...
Emotions overwhelmed me... confusion, disbelief, shock... I felt lost... so alone... scared... and most of all hurt... complete and utter pain. The pain of him leaving me almost left me emotionally desolate.

All I could see and think was how blind I had been... how stupid I had become.. I was scared of myself and my own judgement... I was so wrong about him. I didn't believe the people I love and trust the most because I was too busy believing in him... trusting him... loving him.

And here I was alone. While he took from me my car, my money, my possessions, my trust and my heart. Even with losing all of that... that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was losing the respect of family, friends, and my sweet daughters. That is how I felt. That I had let everyone down ... especially my daughters. I had brought a man into not only my life but theirs for them to like and become part of our family. And he used it... and then he hurt us.... he took from my daughters and that is what upset me the most.

As I sat at home crying, distraught, and unable to form a rational thought, God watched out for me. He sent his angel and my very best friend to take care of me. I can't even began to explain how much she has taken care of me. She has let me cry and never judged me for my stupidity. Even when I know she was totally against the relationship from the beginning. She helped me and she is still helping me through one of the most trying times in my life. I can never express how very grateful I am that I have her in my life and I thank God for her everyday. I would do anything for her.

As the days have gone by, I see that my family and friends and especially my daughters don't think too badly of me. I have heard that they sill love and respect me. I have not heard one "I told you so.." I have found out that my family is so very awesome. I see that I actually do have the world's best parents and daughters a person could have. Also this has brought my sister and I so much closer, which I have been wishing would happen for a long time. The people that I work with have been so supportive of me. They have showered me with love and hugs and prayers. I am absolutely blessed to have a boss and work family that I have. My wonderful dear friends... I can never say enough "thank yous"... the emails, the texts, the phone calls, the hugs and all the shoulders I cried on have got me through the worst part. I don't think I could have made it without any of them. I have found out how loved I am when I didn't feel like I was worth loving at all...

Does this mean I am over it all???... God, I wish... I wish it was that easy. No, it is going to take me awhile to completely recover. As I said in a previous blog, the next time I fell in love I wasn't going to hold back. I was going to jump in with both feet and all of my heart. And man, did I do that! I LOVED that man with every part of me. And now every part of me is hurting. But my heart will recover... Time will see to that...


In the meantime, I'll have my good days and I'll have my bad days... The bad days happen when I miss him. I miss what "could have been" not what the reality was. Some days these are so intense and so very hard to bear. I know these days will get further apart... I know... nothing last forever...and didn't I just find out forever is only a short period of time???

Each day I find myself getting stronger and more sure of myself... each day my best friend and my daughters, friends and family are there if I stumble... Each day God shows me how wonderful and blessed my life actually is... because even though he took so much from me and at times I feel so alone... I am in reality not alone. I have a supportive family, lasting friendships, and the sweetest daughters who love me... for me and all of my mistakes...I am not the one who is alone.
It is obvious to me now that me and my daughters meant very little to him. That I as a partner meant so very little to him. He has something in his life that is way more important... whether it is drugs, another person or the voices in his head... I know now that it is not ME...

No one could have loved him more... believed in him more... or trusted him more...but that wasn't enough for him... He opted to abandon that...

And with that.... this concludes the adventures of Sunshine and Moonpie...