I was absolutely crazy stupid over him. Even when I found out about some flaws that would normally be deal breakers for me... They didn't matter it was physical... He was a good person and he loved me... or so I thought...
Friends and family tried to hint and warn me. I think God tried to even warn me.. But I had become blind. The old saying proved true... LOVE IS BLIND.
Even after we were together the red flags appeared waving frantically in my face. All that I could see was how pretty they were and push them out of my way... so I could see him. He had me mesmerized. Even when more flaws presented themselves... they mattered very little... it was just a part of him. It wasn't going to affect how I felt. I could love him and any flaw... I believed in him... He was my beloved and I was his... right?Even with the added stress of trying to financially keep it all together... even the added pressures he put on me... people saw how insanely happy I was. My friends and family wondered why he always seemed to have the worst luck... It didn't clue me to question why he was what he called himself, a "Schleprock"... He was my Schleprock and I would take care of him... As I always told him it is just another "Adventure of Sunshine and Moonpie". I thought we could make it through anything. We would last FOREVER...
Somehow... at sometime... forever became a very short moment in time.... He left to go on a short trip to take care of business... We made plans for Sunshine and Moonpie to have more adventures upon his return... But the return never happened.. Where is my Moonpie?
The red flags appeared again- more urgently than before... along with alarms from every direction. It became clear..... He was gone. And I was left to pay the price ALONE...
Emotions overwhelmed me... confusion, disbelief, shock... I felt lost... so alone... scared... and most of all hurt... complete and utter pain. The pain of him leaving me almost left me emotionally desolate.
All I could see and think was how blind I had been... how stupid I had become.. I was scared of myself and my own judgement... I was so wrong about him. I didn't believe the people I love and trust the most because I was too busy believing in him... trusting him... loving him.
And here I was alone. While he took from me my car, my money, my possessions, my trust and my heart. Even with losing all of that... that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was losing the respect of family, friends, and my sweet daughters. That is how I felt. That I had let everyone down ... especially my daughters. I had brought a man into not only my life but theirs for them to like and become part of our family. And he used it... and then he hurt us.... he took from my daughters and that is what upset me the most.
As I sat at home crying, distraught, and unable to form a rational thought, God watched out for me. He sent his angel and my very best friend to take care of me. I can't even began to explain how much she has taken care of me. She has let me cry and never judged me for my stupidity. Even when I know she was totally against the relationship from the beginning. She helped me and she is still helping me through one of the most trying times in my life. I can never express how very grateful I am that I have her in my life and I thank God for her everyday. I would do anything for her.
As the days have gone by, I see that my family and friends and especially my daughters don't think too badly of me. I have heard that they sill love and respect me. I have not heard one "I told you so.." I have found out that my family is so very awesome. I see that I actually do have the world's best parents and daughters a person could have. Also this has brought my sister and I so much closer, which I have been wishing would happen for a long time. The people that I work with have been so supportive of me. They have showered me with love and hugs and prayers. I am absolutely blessed to have a boss and work family that I have. My wonderful dear friends... I can never say enough "thank yous"... the emails, the texts, the phone calls, the hugs and all the shoulders I cried on have got me through the worst part. I don't think I could have made it without any of them. I have found out how loved I am when I didn't feel like I was worth loving at all...
Does this mean I am over it all???... God, I wish... I wish it was that easy. No, it is going to take me awhile to completely recover. As I said in a previous blog, the next time I fell in love I wasn't going to hold back. I was going to jump in with both feet and all of my heart. And man, did I do that! I LOVED that man with every part of me. And now every part of me is hurting. But my heart will recover... Time will see to that...
In the meantime, I'll have my good days and I'll have my bad days... The bad days happen when I miss him. I miss what "could have been" not what the reality was. Some days these are so intense and so very hard to bear. I know these days will get further apart... I know... nothing last forever...and didn't I just find out forever is only a short period of time???Each day I find myself getting stronger and more sure of myself... each day my best friend and my daughters, friends and family are there if I stumble... Each day God shows me how wonderful and blessed my life actually is... because even though he took so much from me and at times I feel so alone... I am in reality not alone. I have a supportive family, lasting friendships, and the sweetest daughters who love me... for me and all of my mistakes...I am not the one who is alone.
It is obvious to me now that me and my daughters meant very little to him. That I as a partner meant so very little to him. He has something in his life that is way more important... whether it is drugs, another person or the voices in his head... I know now that it is not ME...
No one could have loved him more... believed in him more... or trusted him more...but that wasn't enough for him... He opted to abandon that...
And with that.... this concludes the adventures of Sunshine and Moonpie...
No comments:
Post a Comment