(In)trepidation

Trepidation means timorous uncertain agitation or apprehension. Yeah, I looked it up on Merriam-Webster. I knew what it meant but I didn't know how to put it into words. But that is how I felt when I drove my Dodge Intrepid yesterday. Serious apprehension.... uncertain agitation... let's just add some major anxiety as well. It wasn't because of the car or it's performance. You see yesterday was the first time I have driven my car since I have gotten it back. After it was stolen by Moonpie.

I was very apprehensive about driving it again... because I knew the feelings were going to flood me again. The last time I was in this car I was happy. I had my Moonpie. Things were good. And now... now things are different.

I sat down in the car and tried not to think of the day that the sun was shining & Moonpie was driving and we had the windows down. The smile on our faces as we were singing and enjoying being together. Just me and him...no kids... that was very rare and precious. The passionate kisses... the holding of hands... the laughter. I tried not to think of looking at his profile and thinking of how lucky I was to have him in my life. I tried not to remember that but I failed...

I was suprised at myself though. Instead of tears this time, the anger came. I was angry that he took so much from me. I was angry that he stole my heart and broke it into the million pieces that I can't seem to recover. I was so damn angry that he hurt my girls and made them feel vunerable. I was angry for all the words that were said by him... I remember one of the very last sentences said to me..."You know I love you, right?"

With the anger arriving... the trepidation left... There was no uncertain agitation... I knew where my agitation was focused... there was no apprehension... The anger had finally arrived and I was welcoming it! And with that I knew... I'm going to be alright... I'm finding the pieces to my broken heart... it looks like a couple were found in my Intrepid.

Bad Day

I had kind of a bad day yesterday... It was trying to rain here so old softball injuries where really bothering me. My sinuses were still on the fritz, & so I was feeling overall crummy.

Then my BFF gave me a talking to because I didn't stay on budget like she said for me to... She is helping me sort out my financial disaster of the summer...(She has basically taken control... Thank God!) So she was very disappointed in me.

My job was a pain yesterday. I was "on call" so when problems arise I got the calls. So at my daughter's basketball game... I got called out several times & missed most of the game. Not that it mattered because when the coach asked her if she wanted to play... she said, "no". She is having major issues with shyness right now. So between the calls I was getting & the trying to boost my oldest daughter, Lou's confidence... I was stressed.

Once we get home, my youngest daughter, Mulan, shows me her progress report. Several F's... 2 D's, & 1 C... I just burst out crying... I was so tired... & stressed... My youngest daughter has been battling with her grades since kindergarten... We go for ADD testing on Friday... I'll try anything to help her.

So yesterday was not a good day... I just had a bad day!

Even though today is has not started out great... it is rainy & cold... & my sinuses are still yucky... I'm going to think positive... I know we have to have the bad days to appreciate the good ones... & you know things could always be worse... I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass"!




Side note : I did find an artist that I am crazy about his work... It is different yet very beautiful. Check out http://www.waystudios.com/

I think I have found a skill...

I played poker for the first time this weekend... but what is the weirdest thing is I won... Crazy, huh? I wish I could say I was that skilled & caught on quickly but who am I kidding? Half the time I was thinking I had something else when I laid down my cards like a pair... but the people I was playing with would say, "Wow, you got a flush!" or "You go, you have a straight".... So I can't take any credit for it really... It was Beginner's luck or God's grace...lol I just got great cards most of the time. I think the guys I was playing poker with really got frustrated with me... they kept saying they didn't know how to read me. They said I would just bet on anything which tickled me cause it was true... but, hey, it worked didn't it... I won!!! Even if I didn't mean to do it! I had a great time, but dang, it was a little long. We started playing at around 7:30 pm & finished at 1:15 in the morning... I was exhausted, but absolutely happy about winning...

The rest of the weekend was spent recovering from staying out so late. I felt like a zombie. I guess the Bud Light Lime that I drank didn't help matters either. Tasted good at that moment. I also had to try a cigar. Even though I don't smoke... I have always wanted to puff on a cigar. So I did... &.... it is not something I want to do again... I think it has triggered my allergies cause now my sinuses are killing me. Note to self: Even though it looks a helluva lot cooler than just smoking a cigarette... Cigar smoking is still smoking, dumbass... Lesson learned on that!

Now the poker... I may have to get into that... seems like I may have some skill at it... Look out Tunica... or maybe even Las Vegas... yeah, whatevah...lol...

Skyler's follow up note...=^..^=

I got Skyler home yesterday after her surgical procedure... She made sure she howled all the way home which is a 45 minute drive from the clinic to our house. (at least she didn't pee everywhere again...) I had put her in the front seat with me thinking that she may need me in her altered state in case she was sick & too groggy to move & couldn't keep from choking on vomit or something... I was so wrong! That cat was climbing & banging on her pet carrier... screeching & howling... I was a nervous wreck! I even stopped & got her some beef jerky to shut her up... It did no good! The howling continued all the way home... I just joined in after awhile.



As soon as I let her out of the pet carrier. She did not make another sound. She went straight to her food & ate. And glared at me with disdain. She also bounced around & climbed to the very tip top of my kitchen cabinets to jump across the kitchen... WTH??? I do believe I was down for a little bit after I had surgery... I guess cats are different. I think Skyler would just say I'm a wimp!



I do think the anesthesia did something to her brain though... She was wild! But she looks cute when she lies back & you can see her fat little shaved belly with the big green tattoo ink spot! I wonder why the vet picks the color green to mark them? Hmmm... at least she will never get pinched on St. Patty's Day!

Cats... getting cut & not making the cut...

When the infamous stealing, lying, former boyfriend, Moonpie, was actually someone I loved dearly, he wanted a cat to live with him in his apartment. Now I tried to gently remind him that his lease says "NO PETS" but he insisted that one little cat wouldn't matter to them. So my daughters & I went with him to look at some free kittens. Now this was at the beginning of our relationship, & he was trying to get in good with my girls... so he suggested that they also get a kitten. I wasn't exactly for that because... well, we already had the best cat in the world, my cat, Cash... & we just recently lost the cat from hell that tore our whole house apart, Feebs... Also we had 5 dogs to take care of... so I didn't want anymore animals... period! But of course, my girls pouting, Moonpie's cunning personality & me, being the biggest sucker ever.... we got two new kittens... & they were wild ass kittens...

Fast forward, a few weeks later & Moonpie gets the eviction notice that if he doesn't get rid of the cat then he is gone... So yep, you guessed it... Miss Sucker here gets that cat too. So now I have 3 cats at my house. But that wasn't the worst cause dang, if eventually I didn't get Moonpie too... hmmm...

After Moonpie moved in with me & the girls, I actually thought life was going to be lovely with 3 cats (Cash, Cleo, & Skyler). Moonpie was very attentive to them. They loved him... even the grumpy old cat, Cash... (who likes no one, but me)... We were a big happy family!

Then one morning I wake up & go into the room that Moonpie slept in & attempted to snuggle next to him. Something very small pushed it's way between him & me. OH, now, wait a minute... this is much smaller than our other cats.... I be damned if it was the cutest, littlest kitten & he had a bobbed tail... But crap, he was still a cat!!!!! oh, no, no, no, NO!

Of course, Moonpie came up with some story of finding him outside in the yard.... (Really with all of our dogs???) He had to save him. My girls immediately fell in love with him... They crooned, "Look, Mama, he is just so tiny... Look he is even sucking on our clothes! Awwww!" I ask you what is a gullible sucker of a woman to do?!?! So here came another cat into our family circle... Moonpie wanted to call him Lucky. My youngest came up with the name Llama Bean. She said because "he looks like a llama when he runs & he is as little as a bean." So Lucky Llama Bean became his name or L. L. Bean or just Bean for short. We should have called him Sir Shits-a-lot... cause that is what he did... & never in the litter box... no matter how many times we showed him how... (no we didn't shit in the litter box... you know what I mean...) Aren't cat's born with this innate ability???? Not Bean... Also the sucking got worse... & as he grew it wasn't so cute... & ewww... it weirded me out.

I insisted we get these cats "fixed"! We first got Cleo fixed... I can never remember if it is spayed or neutered... It is neutered for males right? Anyway, we didn't want him to start that awful spraying stuff... have you ever??? man, nasty stuff... He did fine with the little surgical procedure...

So my little misfit family just trucks it right along until the big abandonment from Moonpie. You know it is one thing to abandoned me & my girls... but helllllooooo.... what about the cats.... So I get stuck with a now neutered male with a girl's name (Cleo... really Cleopatra), a female cat who is in heat & screeching the most pitiful song (Skyler) & the most shitting, not to mention he nurses constantly on my clothes, cat ever (Bean).... Is this Karma??? I don't think I ever did anything to animals that might have resulted in this... okay, wait, there were those possums that time... but really, Lord, I tried...

After another month of cleaning up kitty cat crap & pulling the furry suction cup off of me five hundred times a day... I finally gave Bean away yesterday. I had given him chance after chance to hit the litter box but finally after having to move my king size bed for the second time to clean up cat shit... He had to go... Let's just say the natives (my kids) are not happy with me. But hey, do they want their mom closer to sanity or slowly becoming the crazy old cat lady?... I just couldn't handle it... Anyway, the lady who got Bean will take care of him so I'm not too worried.

Today has been another day in the cat business... I took the screeching Skyler to get spayed... (or is that neutered???) Of course, I had her in the very back of my Expedition in the pet carrier but that didn't keep her from howling all the way... She finally got very quiet & I smelled a strong ammonia odor... Yep, she pissed all over herself & was happy... I, on the other hand, almost wrecked & gagged before I could get my windows open... When I got to the clinic I carried the pet carrier at arms length telling the vet tech... "She had a little accident..." That little vet tech gave me the most appreciative look.... (not hardly)...

So now I wait... I go get Skyler later & all my kitties will be fixed... No more baby kitties... Yippie ki yay!!!

And I hope & I pray that no other cats are brought to me to care for in a very long, long time.

And as far as Moonpie... May the fleas of a thousand cats infest his crotch for abandoning us... Cleo now loves me best... so there!

That's not harsh, is it???? Nah, that would be justice... =^. .^=

UnAmerican???

I didn't go vote yesterday. And I got reamed for it... I've been told I'm unAmerican... I have been criticized extensively...

You know I have voted every election probably since I turned 18 years old. But this year I made a conscious effort not to go vote. I honestly did not want to vote.

I had no idea who I wanted to vote for. I was totally undecided. Maybe I am even a little disillusioned with the government. Does any politician really do what they say they are going to do???

So I made the choice not to go vote. I let everyone else decide for me. That is something I do believe in... that if you don't make a choice... someone will make the choice for you... So I voluntarily let that happen.

So I took the election year off this year... I will probably vote the next election. I will serve my time when I'm called to jury duty. I will honor my country & pray for it daily. I will respect the president that we will have. I love the United States of America! But I used my freedom this time to not vote... So why am I catching so much flack from that???